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I didn’t really do this topic justice. This is actually a wildly hilarious scenario if you think about it.

My favorite TV show as a kid was Macguyver. Still is, since I don’t watch TV shows that aren’t anime. This show actually had a huge impact on me as a kid because I loved the idea of improvising a solution to any problem using random crap in your immediate environment. I may even go as far as to say this show changed my life.

And this perspective perfectly compliments Violence because everything around you is a weapon. Even actual guns. I see no reason to carry a gun, because I’m just going to borrow someone else’s if I need it. No worries about security. Let the other guys carry their guns for me. And of course any security guarantees the presence of guns by whoever’s doing the security. Carrying your own is not necessary. Even if I have to borrow one from a good guy – I’ll give it back. I’m just always going to trust my commitment way more than anyone else.

But guns aside, everything is a weapon if viewed correctly. You only think about targets, which creates the context into which fits all the items around you. A problem creates the context for components of the solution, which otherwise would appear to have no application to the problem.

And I loved Macguyver’s attitude. This guy never felt bad about a problem. Always assumed a solution was close at hand. I’m probably underestimating the impact of this TV show given the opposite nature of my childhood experience with very negative people. I became almost pathologically the opposite.

But then you’ve got to add a little extra frosting to this cake. And it occurred to me that maybe the best mindset for Violence is a cross between Macguyver and..

Fire Marshal Bill, played by Jim Carrey, from the greatest sketch comedy TV show of all time, “In Living Color.” You can find clips on YouTube.

Imagine, if you can, Fire Marshall Bill giving “self defense” tutorials..

“Hi kids! I’m Fire Marshall Bill. Here to talk about self defense against people who aren’t very nice. Not being nice can often result in bad things like genocide and cartel decapitations. That’s why I don’t do them as often.

Suppose you’re a teenage boy and girl with your parents at the mall. You’re on the third level eating, and your parents decide to go check out the lingerie shop on the first level. They tell you to stay put – they’ll be back in thirty minutes.

They’re rollin the dice kids! But not to worry, cuz I’M A FIRE MARSHALL! I’ll tell you how to be safe, in a sea of potential predators.

Let’s say you’re still eating and – JESUS! – an unfriendly gentleman begins stabbing people all around you. You haven’t even finished your lunches!

But waiting for mommy and daddy was going to be very boring. Now you can have some great fun and burn off some of that energy.

Everyone is running for the stairs and escalators and elevators. Some people are diving over the railing onto the main floor. Ignore their screams – it’s time for self defense!


You guys happen to spot a sporting goods store across the dining area. The stabbing guy is still stabbing people and hasn’t seen you yet. Too bad for him!

You walk by a lady who’s lying on the ground, stabbed maybe eight times. No worries, kids! Just yell at her as you walk by:

‘Just relax, miss! Statistically you can take about another 37 of those before you need to consider finding a bunch of napkins. JUST WALK IT OFF!’

So you guys go into the sporting goods place. It’s like Christmas! Totally deserted! Think of all the presents just sitting there waiting for you to play with!


You peek at the stabbing guy – he’s still working on a few people. You’ve got time. So you grab the canoes and kayaks and slide them down the escalators and stairs, and into elevators to keep them from going down.

You can’t have people coming up here to interrupt your playtime! The police are going to have to wait! I mean, how often do you get the sporting goods place to yourself! THIS IS BEAUTIFUL!

Where to start? The possibilities are overwhelming! You guys happen to be regular bowlers in a league. Heh, why not start with bowling practice. Very practical.

You start rolling bowling balls out of the sporting goods place. Maybe like ten of them. Now a little friendly series of competitions, starting with bowling. Let’s The say the winner gets to set stabbing guy on fire. Fair enough? Excellent!

You start bowling at the stabbing guys legs. He’s about regulation distance – this’ll work! Bonus points if you can take out both his legs at one time. So you send all the bowling balls at the stabber. A few misses, mostly single leg hits, but heh – girl makes a double on her last turn! Nice!

The stabbing guy’s got one ankle with multiple fractures, and he falls and drops the knife! No, no, no! You can’t have that – this has to be realistic! He has to remain a a threat! C’mon stabby guy – show a little commitment!

So you grab some athletic tape and run over to Stabby and tape his knife back into his hand for him. No falling out now! You test it to make sure, and stab him a few times in his stomach. Nothing serious – avoiding the abdominal aorta. Safety first! Your mommy and daddy would be so proud!

You tell Stabby, ‘Heh, we’d like to be stabbed a little too! WHY ARE YOU BEING SO UNFAIR! BAD STABBER! BAD STABBER!’

Stabby guy starts crawling toward you. Finally! A little spirit!

You guys run back to the sporting goods place. This is exciting! You happen to spot a water balloon launcher and a bulk size package of D batteries. What?! Yes! Let’s try it!

You run back out. Stabby is closer. Jesus, this guy is slow. It’s great though – a little more accuracy required. You guys take turns firing D batteries at Stabby. Bonus points for face shots.

Incredibly, the boy manages a direct shot into Stabby’s mouth, taking out most of his teeth. The girl gets pissed – she’s down a few points – and puts one into Stabby’s eye socket! Silenced awe from the spectators. Wherever they are!

Stabby turns and covers up, so you have to settle for his ribs and elbows. The boy shatters one of Stabby’s elbows and goes back up on points. But this is boring now.

Back to the store. Time for hockey! You guys find pads and helmets, and rollerblades. You grab some hockey sticks and a whole bunch of pucks.

Outside the store, Stabby is up hobbling on one leg, cradling the arm with the shattered elbow. Time to practice passing and scoring! No points this time. You guys skate towards the guy passing the puck back and forth like you’re advancing on a goalie. The girl passes left wing to the boy – CRACK! He slaps the puck into Stabby’s left knee. Completely shattered! Beautiful shot! Who the fuck is Steve Yzerman?!

Sorry for the language, kids! I’M A FIRE MARSHALL!

Stabby’s back down on the ground. Really?! You guys pause and carry a chair over to him, and considerately drag him into it. Such model citizens you kids! THAT’S NOT A TEAR – MY TEAR DUCTS WERE BURNED OUT WHILE I WAS PILOTING THE HINDENBURG AND ARC WELDING THE RADIO!

Stabby’s comfortable in his chair. You guys are pissed, ‘WHY AREN’T YOU STABBING STUFF?!’

Whatever! You skate back to the sporting goods place for more pucks. It’s overtime! Slap shots at the goalie! Time for more points. You take turns slapping pucks at Stabby. 12 pucks later, the girl has retaken the lead. This is coming down to the wire. You can hear the police down below acting way too serious. They probably won’t let you keep playing.

Stabby is now blessed with two shattered knees, two shattered ankles, basically his entire face and jaw shattered and dislocated. He’s literally coming unhinged! One shattered elbow, pelvis, and most of his ribs. One eye gone. Collarbones don’t look right either. Probably a lot of other stuff too. Not bad, kids!

Remarkably Stabby is still conscious. Can he breathe ok? You guys remember something you saw on TV or wherever. Heh, let’s try it out. The girl grabs a straw, and the boy gently stabs Stabby in his trachea with his own knife. Still working! Tape is holding nicely. Still a threat!

The girl sticks the straw in Stabby’s throat. This is supposed to help him breathe better or something. Who knows – it’s the thought that counts! You gotdamn lovable kids… THIS IS WHY I’M A FIRE MARSHALL!

Time for one more competition. Darts! Raise the stakes – ten times the points for hitting Stabby’s good remaining eye. But his head keeps falling forwards. No good!

You guys slide his chair over to the railing, and lean it back against the railing. Better angle! Ten paces back. Five darts each. The police are yelling something. They’ll have to wait! I’M A FIRE MARSHALL – THEY ALWAYS HAVE TO WAIT!

Remember kids, the police get to do all the clean up for you! But only you get to have the fun!


Talk about suspense, kids! Anyone could take this. Both of you manage to hit Stabby’s eye – twice each! One more shot for each. The boy can win with another hit. The girl’s still ahead and can win by default, if the boy misses.

God. the tension! Last time it was this thick I was at the Branch Davidians field testing hand grenades!

The girl hits Stabby’s eye again! IT’S OVER!

The boy’s disappointed, but a good sport. Proud of his sister, actually! Nice work, sis!

Now you guys just so happened to have noticed a power washer sitting down a maintenance hallway or something near the elevators. Time is running out! You can hear people moving the kayaks off the escalator!

The boy grabs a sports cooler from the sporting goods place and sprints to the power washer to empty the gas. The girl grabs some climbing rope. They sprint back to Stabby. Breathless, but no time left!

What now, kids?!


As the fair winner, the girl gets to douse Stabby in gasoline. The boy ties off the rope to a nearby pillar, then makes a loop with a slip knot in the rope and secures it around Stabby’s neck – careful to avoid the straw! Still safety conscious! I may have to retire, kids – FINALLY, SOMEONE GETS IT!

You guys even make sure to keep the rope away from the side of Stabby’s neck, to avoid breaking it! SAFETY ALWAYS FIRST, YES! So proud of you kids! Later, later – no time..

Finally, you’re all ready. Stabby’s lost a bit of his enthusiasm so it’s a bit of work pushing him from the chair into the railing. Knife still secured? Yes? All good! STILL A THREAT!

Let’s say the girl decides to go old school, with a flint and a striker from the sporting goods place. She gets some nice sparks, while the boy keeps Stabby balanced on the railing while wearing some barbecue grilling mitts.

WHOOSH! Stabby goes up in flames, as the boy shoves him over the railing. Beautiful timing, kids! Reminds me of.. never mind!

Stabby plummets about one story down from the railing and hangs there, swinging around like a large animated burning cross. Apparently he was still conscious! Or maybe a second wind?

People are yelling now. How do they know who the winner was?! No time to wonder – time to go!

You guys run back the sporting goods place and grab some Gatorades and trail mix, and decide to relax in one of the tents on display. Wait for the police! I’M A FIRE MARSHALL!

So you see, kids, self defense is way more fun than.. just self.. or defense! “

What’s hilarious is that as ridiculous as that scenario sounds – it, or any variation of it, is entirely plausible. With a change of perspective.

So while you may not go to that extreme, the creative approach remains the same. A victim, after all, is someone who lacks creativity. Imagination. Inspiration. Artistry.

I think it’s better to think of martial “arts” in terms of the portrait of Violence you paint – the result – rather than the techniques used. Thinking in terms of possibilities and not techniques or moves. A “move” is just what happens when a possibility hits (moves thru) a target.

So, while it may sound deranged, the real point is to open up your reflexive field of possibility to such a point that you never feel like a.. victim.

Because there is ALWAYS so, SO much possibility everywhere.. it’s never IF, but HOW! And then once possibility opens up – now you can become an artist, picking possibilities to experiment with, since there’s so many. Signatures for the Devil to remember you by..

The evil man is by his nature born to die a victim. Never forget what nature never does.