I Get Hit in the Balls a lot – The Self Defense Company

I Get Hit in the Balls a lot

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    • #10489

      Let’s get one thing straight to the women in the audience. To men, their balls are the most important item on their bodies. Take for example when soccer players line up for a free kick. They have a clear choice: protect my nuts or protect my head. 100% without fail, they choose balls over brains. They will take a ball kicked at 100 mph to the face before they will even chance a graze to the nuts. On the list of priorities,the testicles are numero uno.

      This is because it causes us the most pain and will cripple any man regardless of size, strength or will. This is a universal truth. Look at every combat system in the world from the Zulus to the Aztecs and you will see the balls are number one on the hit list. Our balls have been under attack since the dawn of time. There is no doubt that before Cain hit Abel with a rock he kicked him in the nuts first.

      Recently I’ve done what most 40 year-olds do when they decide to stop having kids and the condom is NO LONGER an option…I got the big V (that’s vasectomy to you young bucks). After almost 40 years of battle, my boys have been put out to pasture.

      As I breezed through recovery I realized my nuts are pretty tough. I had heard horror stories from balls swelling to the size of grapefruit to non-operational equipment. Regardless of the warnings of my fellow man, this procedure was midnight run. Of course, putting my most prized possession out to pasture has caused me to reflect on the years of service my testicles have provided and I came to one startling conclusion…I get hit in the balls a lot.

      It started with my older sister. She began ballet at the age of 5 and was no older than 10 when she realized that the best way to get a boy under control was a battement technique to the family jewels. For those of you who don’t know, a battement translates into “beating”. This is a generic term for various movements in ballet by which the leg is extended and then returned repeatedly (add fast and hard). My sister mastered this with awe inspiring accuracy. This was also he time I realized my balls were the “chink in the armor”. The pain one feels the first time they are hit squarely in the balls is excruciating. Ladies, don’t talk to me about child birth..which sucks and defies physics, but you don’t run the risk of experiencing that feeling during every physical confrontation.

      By age 7 I started wrestling and there was no rest for my little nuggets. While some kids opted for the protection of a plastic cup, I chose the cool kid option to go “sans protection”, leaving the fate of my boys up for grabs so to speak. Unfortunately my “devil may care” attitude was not without a price. That fateful day was the day we wrestled the “Purple Wave” from Garfield, NJ.

      The first time someone grabs your nuts is really an unforgettable experience. One would hope it would be in the back seat of your dads Oldsmobile, but in my case it was on the wrestling mat with another kid. We were wrestling Garfield and after the first few matches we realized that those kids had a penchant for nut-grabbing, my opponent was no exception. I was on the bottom to start the second period. When the whistle blew I remember trying to stand up when he kid literally reached from behind and squeezed my grapes. What happened next, shocked both of us.

      Feeling a foreign hand on the holiest of holy part of my body was like getting hit with a bolt of lighting. I literally launched myself from his grasp. The force I used can only be compared to that superhuman strength that a mother gets when she lifts her car off of her trapped child. Needless to say, I needed no more motivation to finish the match with a victory. There was NO WAY that kid was getting another chance at an impromptu hernia exam.

      As I grew, I put my nuts in greater peril. Football, baseball, wrestling and the frequent playground scraps started to condition my juevos to “take the pain” a bit. In high school the hits got bigger and the guys got stronger. During the Region 1 wrestling finals my junior year, that guy spent more time in my crotch than my girlfriend. After the match I felt he should have at least bought me dinner first.

      When I was 15, I started karate and not a night went by that someone was in the fetal position gasping for air and writhing in pain. The first thing you discover in karate is that being able to kick high is not really an advantage. When sparring someone who kicks lower than you, they will always kick you in the balls. Take the round kick for example. While you’re throwing a high, graceful kick to the head of your opponent, they’re frantically trying to return the favor with a kick of their own whch will end up right in your nuts. Because you’re extended leg literally will guide their low kick, right into your nuts and if you’re cup is not in the right place..you’re going down.

      Now, let me tell you about people who can’t kick high. They’re nervous because they can’t kick well. Since they’re nervous the try harder. Translation: they kick harder. I have fielded more kicks to the crotch than I care to remember. The end result: you may score the point, but they won the fight since you are lying on the ground trying to uncross your eyes. So much for kicking high. I haven’t kicked high since 2000.

      Later in college I started to work security and get into the trouble that accompanies those types of endeavors. The worst I can recall was the time I was literally picked up by my nuts and slammed down on the sidewalk by a mountain of a guy. That left a mark and introduced me to the effectiveness of frozen peas.

      Judo was another torture my gonads were forced to endure. A popular throw is called Uchi Mata or “Inner Thigh Throw”. As the name suggests, this throw is MEANT for the inner thigh, but any judoka will tell you it’s more INNER than THIGH. People learning this particular throw really try hard. Like most newbies, they adopt an “if its not working throw harder” attitude. Here’s the rub, an effective counter for this technique is to advance towards them and jam them with your hip this works against a good fighter since bending over or backing away is NOT an option. Against a poor fighter it puts your balls on the front line. Now you won’t get thrown, but something far worse will happen, a calf in the nuts. So you have a choice to make: train for the good fighters OR protect your nuts against the poor fighters. You can only guess I opted for greatness and sacrificed my balls to every inexperienced judo player to attempt the uchi mata.

      And if that wasn’t enough, I actually purposely “toughened my boys” to take the pain. Check out Module 6 of The Self Defense Training System (SDTS) and you’ll see me take the fellas through a little conditioning session (this actually works real well).

      In the end, despite my best efforts, I was still able to father two children and lead a happy and productive life. At this point, I would like to thank my balls for putting up with my behavior over the past 40 years and let them know that without them none of this would be possible. I hope they enjoy their retirement and I will see them lounging poolside in Miami.

      Some people say I have brass balls, but now you know, they’re just tougher than most.

    • #12164

      Damn Damian, that’s got to be the longest page Ive ever read about balls lol

    • #12165

      What can I say, they’ve been through a lot and deserve a little respect in their retirement. :D

    • #12166

      I got the whole dropstep thing down. Only problem is, sometimes i tend to get tangled up with BOBS bigass water drum! Ive stubbed my toes a couple times, one time I smashed’em with a chinjab and hand yoke so hard, when i went forward his drum came back down on my foot! Ouch. But at least i know i’m be hittin someone like a tank!

    • #12167

      That’s actually a good thing…

      Here’s the deal, in a real fight it feels like a cluster fuck. Unless you get the jump on a guy and it all goes to plan, it’s going to be painful and rough. You will get hit, you will trip you will miss you will experience a whole host of shit. I was in something one time where on lookers decided it would be funny to throw beer bottles at us and believe me, I wasn’t planning for that.

      The point is you have to adapt, focus on the target in front of you and move forward. Stubbing your toe will help you to develop that “fuck it” attitude. Meaning “fuck it, I have to take care of this piece of shit now.” You will slip, you will fall, no mater what happens YOU STILL HAVE TO FIGHT!!

      Problem with martial arts is that its OVER CHOREOGRAPHED. Every strike is perfect, every technique hits its target and every thing works all the time.
      This is one of the many reasons a lot of black belts get their asses kicked in the real world (and being able to grapple has NOTHING TO DO WITH IT).

      Train to adapt, train to think you will hit only 1 out of 10 times. Then when you’ve injured him its 4 out of 10. Injure a little more, 7 out of 10.

      Hey, it’s Murphy’s Law out there so plan for the worst and hope for the best.

    • #12168

      Damn. They threw beer bottles at you? Did you give’em a beating too afterwards! All very true. But if I can almost tip BOB over on his waterdrum, imagine what I could do to someone who just has two feet! That’d be it. Would it be easier to have someone hold a medicine ball then have me demonstrate the dropstep?

    • #12169

      No I didn’t get to return the favor to the beer bottle crowd. Sometimes its best to get the hell out of dodge.

      Knocking a full bob over is pretty damn cool. I don’t see too many people staying awake after that.

    • #12170

      Yeah. I just do the drop step straight down the center line basically. I like the direct chinjab smash. Straight up to the chin with the heel of the hand with all my momentum behind it. The head’s the boyd’s lower center of gravity,wherever it goes, the body follows!

    • #12216
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